I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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