Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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