FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
