so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
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I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
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I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.