Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
This toilet bowl is my home.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
