I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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