I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Randomize
