so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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