i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
