Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
