Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
