i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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