My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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