That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
