I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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