this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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