I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I'm so fucking centered right now
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
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