No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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