no, he came in my armpit
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
