My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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