peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
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WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
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I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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