So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
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