Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
