we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
