I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
