k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
