I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
