i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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