CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
