Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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