My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
