so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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