I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
