The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
a search helicopter?!
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
