The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
