i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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