I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I supernannyed him into submission
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
