he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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