Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
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Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
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end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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