He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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