I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize