He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
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Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
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I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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