It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
