Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
