Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
