tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
