So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
