You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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