Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
