So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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