capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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