you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
