o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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